Charleston

We have been in Charleston for about 6 weeks. Brodie loves it here and the girls are getting the hang of it as well. The community pool has really made them fall in love! But as for myself, that is a different story entirely.

I am so off balance, uncentered. I feel like my brain has deflated and I can't intellectually process the smallest bit of remedial information. The school sent home a form for me to fill out in order for Ashlyn to receive speech services and I had no clue what it said - something about billing medicaid or a third-party insurance. I just signed it and sent it back. Now I'm trying to find an OT and feeding therapist for Taylor and it's like nobody has ever heard of sensory/behavioral needs in feeding therapy. Every day I want to pull my hair out because life is so challenging. Going over bridges for god's sake sends me into a panic.

Lost my engagement ring during the move so now any time I open a web page the jewelry ads bombard my eyes and I'm reminded of the terrible mistake I made that has broken my heart in two. I can't find anything like I had and replacing it will cost more than it originally did to purchase it.

It's as if I'm walking on eggshells around everyone just trying not to complain about how different things are here. I smile and listen. I'll occasionally ask a question immediately followed by an apology.

On top of all this I need to get a job. But who would hire me? I can't remember anything from one moment to the next. "May I take your order please?" But seriously, I probably can't even be trusted to handle money even if it is just a drawer full of $20's.

I thought about substitute teaching but then the girls came home from school. Taylor began to hyperventilate and said I was overwhelming her when I asked her to start her homework, very nicely I might add. Bitty just sat there and cried chanting, "I just caaaaaan't..." She's 6!!!


Taylor has gotten into the habit of singing, loudly, every moment of every waking hour. She's! So! Loud! It's not her fault, she doesn't know she's being that loud. That coupled with her tantrums marked with hyperventilating and sobbing tears any time the least little thing is asked of her is about to undo me. Where did we go wrong? Both girls are on each other's nerves. I'm just glad school started back.

We had Tay repeat the 2nd grade. Ashlyn in is first. Today, the 3rd day of school, Ms. Hill, Ashlyn's teacher sent home a week's worth of worksheets where any child who could not write to 100 had to practice every night. WHAT 6YR OLD CAN WRITE FROM 1-100??? Seriously! And don't even get me started the insanity they call the "Car Rider Line!"

I'd love to have a glass of wine right now but the move put an extra 10lbs on me and I'm now well over my "Oh Hell No!" weight! LOL! The toilets in the house stop up constantly with more than 5 squares of paper. It's just everything. The electric bill was stupid-high, groceries are unreasonable, and my dogs need their toe nails clipped. Oh, and I forgot to take Tay's eye glasses script to get filled. One more gold star for mom.

But, the good news is we found a great church and CBS starts in a few weeks. That's really all I've got to hold onto. This move has been extremely hard on me. I just can't wait for the moment I get comfortable here and things start to fall in place for me. At least the rest of us are doing good.

21 Days and KABAM!

Annnnd... Today It Happened! She has cried, whined, complained, avoided, yelled, baby talked, ignored, and been silly all in an effort to NOT do anything I've asked of her. Over the last few school days she has tried little by little to weasel out of doing actual school work. She's happy to do science projects and nature walks but refuses to write anything about what she's done. I yelled, A LOT, today. A few minutes ago I banished her to the backyard b/c she wouldn't stop crying/screaming "I need to build baby doll furniture NOW! TAKE ME LOWES NOW TO BUY WOOD! I HAVE TO BUILD IT MOM! NOW!" I told her we would do it this weekend and she made up all sorts of reasons why we wouldn't be able to build it this weekend. And we went to the park today for an hr and walked around walmart. 

She got plenty of sleep last night and actually slept through the night. I had absolutely no delusions that she would be the perfect homeschool kid. I'm actually surprised that she's held off this long. Now, I can't help but wonder...is this the new, old normal.

You're Gonna Do WHAT?

For 7 years I have been so lost on my journey of motherhood. I've prayed and prayed for God to reveal why he made me Taylor's mom. There is no way that I was the best choice God had for her. I was impatient and angry all the time. I honestly felt like at times I was killing her soul. I wanted to change, to be a better mom, I just didn't know how. But, as with every trial God was there, carrying me and bringing me through the storm. Finally, this fall the skies began to part and he put a calmness and peace in my soul that I have have cried and prayed for for so long. My prayer was answered in the form of medicine. It was determined that I had low serotonin so my doc gave me a low-dose SSRI and slowly but surely my life (and the lives of those around me) began to get better.

This clarity enabled me to see the pain and frustration in my child's eyes when it came to school. That's when I finally gained the confidence and energy to research homeschool. Yes, I was thinking of pulling a strong-willed, academically challenged child out of a perfectly great school to bring her home with me 24/7, 365, and become solely responsible for her education.

The school was doing all they could but Taylor was still struggling with reading and math had become exceedingly difficult for her. I had mentioned the idea of homeschool to allow her to work at her own pace and she loved it. One random day on the way too school as she was sitting quietly in the back seat, she looked over at me and said, "Mom, if daddy says no to homeschool, can I do the second grade over again. I think it would just make me feel better." My heart split in half, right down the middle in little jagged pieces, and fell like ashes on a dark, cold prison floor. I had to get my baby out of the pressures of standardized testing, common core curriculum, and the taunting of hateful children. After months of research, prayer, conversations with other homeschool (hs) moms, and several discussions/debates with daddy, he gave me the okay to purchase her curriculum. She finished out the school year and at Christmas break I officially withdrew her from 2nd grade.

We officially started hs'ing on January 5th, 2017. My goal for the first 2-3 months is to help Taylor regain some of her confidence in herself. Her confidence in herself is just so beaten down that she refuses to pick up a book because she think's it's too hard for her to read, regardless of the difficulty level. My challenge will be lovingly getting her to not fear difficulty or failure. I plan on doing this by beginning slow and small. She needs to experience success after success after success and that will take patience and determination on my part. I chuckle as I think back up to my first paragraph. Why did God make me Taylor's mom? Because he knows how blasted determined I can be and that is exactly what she needs. Somebody who isn't going to give up or give in to her. She needs to know that she is safe and that I am on her side. I cannot wait to see my little worn down baby girl blossom into a strong, happy, confident young lady.

I cannot even begin to fathom how long and hard this road is going to be. So, that's why I have chosen to come back to this blog. I need to be able to see the progress we've made on those hard days when I feel like a complete failure. I'm going to need reminders why I chose to do this. I mean I had it made. Both girls were in school and all I had to do was lead a bible study on Friday and keep the house picked up. I had my days to myself and it was AMAZING! I loved it! But, God had other plans. So here we go, on another journey.

Ashlyn also wanted to hs but I told her she had to finish kindergarten. I needed to get Taylor's routine established and get the bumps ironed out before I doubled my load. We did a few pretend homeschool days and during one of those days T began to throw her usual "I don't wanna do it" fit which means screaming and arguing. Ashlyn was covering her ears and told me there was no way she could listen to "that mess!" I told her that this is why I needed T at home first. If at the beginning of 1st grade if she wants to try to hs we will try it but not until 1st grade. She understood and agreed. Bless her little heart. She, too, is so smart.

First day of the rest of our life

February 17th, 2015, wasn't just our 8 year wedding anniversary...it was the day I've been waiting for for 5 1/2 years. Taylor was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, specifically proprioceptive deficits. You see, we don't actually have 5 senses - we have seven.

Our sixth sense is The Vestibular System explains the perception of our body in relation to gravity, movement and balance. The vestibular system measures acceleration, g-force, body movements and head position.  Examples of the vestibular system in practice include knowing that you are moving when you are in an elevator, knowing whether you are lying down or sat up, and being able to walk along a balance beam.

Our seventh sense, the one Taylor has problems with, is called Proprioception. It is the sense of the relative position of neighboring parts of the body and strength of effort being employed in movement.  This sense is very important as it lets us know exactly where our body parts are, how we are positioned in space and to plan our movements.  Examples of our proprioception in practice include being able to clap our hands together with our eyes closed, write with a pencil or crayon and apply with correct pressure, and navigate through a narrow space.

Taylor cannot run with a normal runners stance. One of her feet is always in contact with the ground instead of being "in-flight" at some point in her stride. She cannot catch a ball without looking where are arms are and she usually misses. She cannot regulate her volume but complains about other loud noises and bright lights. She is emotionally immature for her age and is unable to to accept disappointment or loss, regardless how insignificant the item may be. For example, when a plain yellow balloon popped, she got so worked up over losing her balloon that she threw up over an hour later and three days later is asking about getting another balloon.

Her ability to make sense of parts of her life that were hard to understand has manifested itself behaviorally and emotionally. Defiance and emotional outbursts are usually the order of the day in our home. She has cannot manage her disappointment which immediately sends her into a state of code-red rage. When she cries and her nose runs she blows it everywhere and slobbers all over the place. She reminds me of the old cow in Old Yeller who stumbles around with rabies. This is over something as small as losing a toy or going to time out.

As a baby, when I would find myself, scavenging the internet and crying to every friend and family member I had, I would eventually come to realize that she was experiencing a growth spurt. Last week I found myself in a therapist office in tears and not wanting to take care of my little girl anymore because it had just gotten too hard and I didn't have the tools to teach her how to deal with the life she had been dealt. Heck, I couldn't deal with it! I've heard preachers say that sometimes God delivers us from things and sometimes he delivers us through them. I didn't think either was going to happen to me. You have no idea how hard these times are for SPD families. These growth spurts are literally hell on the whole family. Taylor spirals into turmoil, I quickly fall in-line, then dad and eventually Ashlyn. Pretty soon we are all angry and unhappy. But, in a few months the sun will start to shine again and things go back to normal. Well, I think now we are experiencing a growth spurt.

But what makes this time different from all the rest is her diagnosis. We are now in OT therapy once a week. At her eval, her OT said that today was her birthday, our birthday! There is a light at the end of the tunnel but it is a long, long tunnel. But each week, each month things will get better. God is delivering us through this. And that is how I will get through this, not by focusing on myself, but putting the focus on the Cross. By leaning on him and trusting him to be the giver of strength and salvation.

My favorite verse (and chapter) is Colossians 3:23 - Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. 

PS. My anger for her pediatrician for not only MISSING all of the signs but for just not hearing me is something I am working on. Her OT said that she has doctors sending her babies! Granted, Taylor's issues are not that severe but I cried to him, in his office, for 5 years! I took her in for "behavioral counseling" 3 separate times. Please, take it from me! PARENTS, YOU ARE YOUR CHILDS ONLY ADVOCATE! NEVER STOP FIGHTING FOR YOUR KID!!!

A Year Later

So, we transferred to Mississippi back in June 2014. We still have the house in NC.

Taylor is 5 and Ashlyn will be 4 in 3 weeks. Taylor is in Kindergarten which has been excruciating. Mississippi has adopted the "popular" federally backed Common Core State Standards. It is way to rigorous for small children and demands too much of their limited attention span. The standard is asking of kindergarteners what would normally be expected of second or third graders and their young minds just aren't made to process that complex amount of information at such a fast pace. Okay, that's my soap box about the public school system. I very seriously considered homeschooling her but decided against it. Here is why...

Taylor's behavior has deteriorated drastically. Life with a strong-willed child is never easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy but if I had to chart the last 3 months there would be dramatic descent into the pits of hell. Don't get me wrong, I love my little girl...I just don't love her behavior! After going back through my posts and a barely noticeable comment by a friend, I think I have narrowed her behavior down to a growth spurt. I guess the good part is that unlike when she was a baby, they keep getting farther apart. I remember saying that if I start pulling my hair out - it's a growth spurt. Coincidently, a friend of the family, who hasn't seen Tay since Thanksgiving mentioned when she saw her recently that she had really grown. Well, it just so happened that I marked Tay's height around the first of November and sure enough...almost 1/2" from Nov to January. Growth Spurt!

As I sit here trying to figure out where to start first with her list of behavioral challenges (for posterity), I quickly realize that the site probably has storage limitations and I will eventually need to go to bed.

1.) Accidents - (Taylor, I apologize in advance!) She is still having potty accidents. Yes, at 5 1/2 years old. When she is playing she refuses to take the time to go potty. On the other hand, if I ask her if she has to go she says she isn't sure. If I ask her if she has wet undies, she says she doesn't know and has to go check. It happened tonight but she knew that she dribbled when she was playing with her barbies...alone. She just refused to stop playing! (Not lazy ~ Strong-willed)

2.) Anxiety - Every time she is told to do something she doesn't want to do or is asked to do stop doing something she wants to do she freaks out. She turns her lips down, raises her eyebrows, puts her hands out and shakes them up and down, and begins to hyperventilate saying or screaming, BUT! BUT! BUT! From here it is all down hill, quickly. Her volume spikes to unbearable levels and it is hard to get her to calm down. I mean hard! Bedtimes are especially difficult. Every single night she has a meltdown when going to bed. Tonight I came up with the idea of scratching her back in the living room and the telling her I would finish in her bed. She loves this and it always relaxes her. I have my fingers crossed.

3.) Negative Thoughts - This scares me. The other stuff is frustrating...this scares me. She says things like, "I just wanna die!" "I don't like myself but I don't know how to change!", "Nobody likes me!". You can see why this is so disturbing. I try to speak God's truth into her. God has GOOD plans for her! (Jeremiah 29:11) And everything will be okay. (Romans 8:28) I just keep praying and trying to speak positive things into her life.

4.) Sensory Issues - This is the area where I have seen the most improvement. She is actually trying new foods on occasion. However, she is also cutting out healthy foods that she was eating, most recently eggs. She still hasn't eaten a vegetable since baby food which she actually used to love. She obsesses, I mean, OBSESSES about sweets. Almost every morning she wakes asking for ice cream or cookies, or something sweet; which yes, we do have because dad has a sweet tooth. This is a tough battle for me because sweets aren't necessarily my thing. I could take them or leave them.
     She will now let me put her hair in a pony tail but no headbands. She still will not wear jeans or any pants that snap or zip. We still have issues with shoes and socks. And she is hyper-sensitive to what her clothes look like. She likes to mix and match crazy, I mean CRAZY, things. I have never picked this battle and still don't unless its a weather issue or matter of appropriateness. Oh, and she also hates brushing her teeth since she just lost her front two bottom teeth. She lost the first one in October on the way back from Disney Land. The second she lost last week. Her gums are a bit puffy but she still has to brush her teeth and she hates it. I have to hold her head and do it for her. This does not go over well.    

5.) Attention Problems - She is a talker at school which isn't a big deal until she talks while the teacher is instructing. This happens about once a week. When she gets in trouble she has to move her behavior clip from green to yellow. If she brings home a yellow several things happen. 1) No sweets for the entire day, 2) No screen time all day, 3.) Ash and I don't have lunch with her at school on Friday, and 4.) She doesn't get to pick out a small toy over the weekend like she would if she stayed on green all week. So, yellows are a big deal at our house! She has only gotten in trouble for two different things: talking and defiance. She refused to finish her worksheet. Now, worksheets are not Taylor's favorite way to learn by far. So for her to keep her attention focused to finish an entire worksheet is a major feat. Her teachers usually make her stay in for recess to finish her work. I agree and disagree with this. (big sigh!)

This takes so much out of me and Brodie emotionally and the chaos has naturally had a negative effect on Ashlyn. We (mom and dad) are so exhausted that we have regrettable chosen not to fight most battles (instill discipline) because we are just so tired of fighting. (I know, I know!) Ashlyn has turned into a little monster...a cute monster though! The whole family just has to hit the reset button. We are a mess. But please, don't tell anyone! (wink)

So to help get us all back on track we are getting Tay some help and I am also getting someone to help me get a handle on my own anger issues. We need some tools in our tool box to get this ship back on course. I have a feeling that as time passes and she grows up, we will occasionally need some help recalibrating our parenting skills and her behavior.

We love our girls and want to give them the best chance at success possible. But dear Lord...it is HARD! I tell ya, if having kids has taught me one thing is my need for Christ! His words are my foundation and if it wasn't for that I can't say how bad off we would be now, seriously. He really is our solid rock!

Ashlyn's 3rd Birthday Snow

What a great 3rd birthday present...SNOW! Taylor, Ashlyn, Sandi and Charlie...and Momma played in the snow/ice yesterday and today and had so much fun. Regretfully, Ashlyn missed her nap today so she was pretty ill this afternoon. She still cries, "Hold Me, Momma!" It's so pitiful, God love her! Taylor actually talked her into walking into a ditch full of frozen ice water up to her knees. Then she cried because it was cold! Really, sister!

We are going to wait until Granny Mary gets here from Chicago to have her birthday party so today was pretty boring. We've been frozen inside for the last couple of days so tomorrow a GREAT friend of mine is going to keep the girls for a while so I can catch my breath. Being a mom is getting easier in ways but now Ashlyn is trying to test her boundaries and picking up her sisters bad habits. But overall, I am finally now ENJOYING being a mom. I really didn't think it would ever happen.

Preschool has been very good for Taylor. She is also taking a dance combo class: tap, ballet and tumbling. All of her teachers constantly praise her on her compassion, leadership skills and intelligence. It's so gooooooooood to hear them sing her praises because I don't get many opportunities to see all that goodness at home. On occasion she'll really impress me and boy do I make a big deal of it. I try to spend as much time with her as I can, just holding her and loving on her. She really enjoys it when I brush her hair when I am getting her ready in the morning. She'll often say, "Momma, keep brushing." She is such a sweet heart. I just don't know why she doesn't (or won't) show that beautiful side of her at home. Ah well, we are constantly working on it.

The other thing we are working on is her tee-teeing in her pants. When she's 27 she's gonna kill me for writing this! LOL! But she absolutely does NOT CARE if she wets her pants. She is playing and she isn't going to stop for anyone or anything...even to go potty. And now Ashlyn is doing the same thing. I've tried not saying anything and hoping it goes away, putting her back in pull-up's, spanking, nothing works. The minute I told both of them today that if they even so much as dribbled one drop in their underwear, they were getting a BAD spanking with a belt - Ashlyn didn't have anymore accidents. She was scared! Taylor, she didn't care! She got like 5 spankings in one day. I explained to her every single time why I was spanking her, how much I hated spanking her, but that she HAD to stop having accidents and I didn't know what else to do. She just didn't care. Now, when she was getting a spanking, of course she cared. But an hour or two later...yep...she didn't care. Another spanking. All day long! Seriously!!! But I am just not going to give up. She is not going to keep doing this. It's nasty and she has to learn.

But, winter is at it's peak and we will soon be sliding into spring. It is so hard to believe that we only have about 4 months left until we have to move. I'm excited and a bit sad. I just can't wait to get a place so I can start imagining our family down there. I've been gone for so long that I'm guessing it will be a little weird going back to live. But Brodie's job is going to be so good for him and I am really excited about that. Watching the girls get to know their family and so much more. Four more months.

School & Dance

Hey Guys,

Sorry about the size of the Blog Picture! I took this with my phone and iPhoto is horrible so I can't reduce the size of the original pic, just the viewable portion of the pic. So aggravating!!!

School is in full swing and nothing could have been better for Taylor. God truly moved mountains for us that Tay could go to this particular school, for free, and ride the bus. As hard as it has been for her to get up some mornings she has always been eager to get to school. All I have to do is say, "Taylor, you are going to miss the bus. Please hurry!" The routine has been good for us all. Taylor is the last person to get on the bus in the mornings at 8am and the first person to get off the bus in the afternoon at 3:20. I have to sign her on the bus and off the bus every day. I love the security at this place!

After I get Taylor on the bus, I load Ashlyn up (Mon & Wed) and she goes to Pre-PreK. She is attending the school where Taylor went last year so she is familiar with both teachers and the facilities. However, she is starting to get some anxiety about me leaving her in the morning. She will start to whine so I'll hug her for a bit and her teacher will peel her off my leg and she'll be fine before I am out of the door. I don't know that she is learning much but the socialization and independence from me is good for her. Plus, I get 3 hours on Monday just for me!!!

I was asked this summer to be a leader in a bible study that I have been attending for four years now. This requires 3 hours on Wednesday while Ashlyn is at PreK and then I take her with me and she stays in the nursery on Thursdays. If anyone is interested the bible study is called Community Bible Study and it is an international study and they even have a prison study as well. This was the lamp that God used to light my families walk with Christ. I cannot say enough about it.

We went to Mikes Farm yesterday and got pumpkins again this year. It was so much fun! I have added some pic's to drop shots.