For 7 years I have been so lost on my journey of motherhood. I've prayed and prayed for God to reveal why he made me Taylor's mom. There is no way that I was the best choice God had for her. I was impatient and angry all the time. I honestly felt like at times I was killing her soul. I wanted to change, to be a better mom, I just didn't know how. But, as with every trial God was there, carrying me and bringing me through the storm. Finally, this fall the skies began to part and he put a calmness and peace in my soul that I have have cried and prayed for for so long. My prayer was answered in the form of medicine. It was determined that I had low serotonin so my doc gave me a low-dose SSRI and slowly but surely my life (and the lives of those around me) began to get better.
This clarity enabled me to see the pain and frustration in my child's eyes when it came to school. That's when I finally gained the confidence and energy to research homeschool. Yes, I was thinking of pulling a strong-willed, academically challenged child out of a perfectly great school to bring her home with me 24/7, 365, and become solely responsible for her education.
The school was doing all they could but Taylor was still struggling with reading and math had become exceedingly difficult for her. I had mentioned the idea of homeschool to allow her to work at her own pace and she loved it. One random day on the way too school as she was sitting quietly in the back seat, she looked over at me and said, "Mom, if daddy says no to homeschool, can I do the second grade over again. I think it would just make me feel better." My heart split in half, right down the middle in little jagged pieces, and fell like ashes on a dark, cold prison floor. I had to get my baby out of the pressures of standardized testing, common core curriculum, and the taunting of hateful children. After months of research, prayer, conversations with other homeschool (hs) moms, and several discussions/debates with daddy, he gave me the okay to purchase her curriculum. She finished out the school year and at Christmas break I officially withdrew her from 2nd grade.
We officially started hs'ing on January 5th, 2017. My goal for the first 2-3 months is to help Taylor regain some of her confidence in herself. Her confidence in herself is just so beaten down that she refuses to pick up a book because she think's it's too hard for her to read, regardless of the difficulty level. My challenge will be lovingly getting her to not fear difficulty or failure. I plan on doing this by beginning slow and small. She needs to experience success after success after success and that will take patience and determination on my part. I chuckle as I think back up to my first paragraph. Why did God make me Taylor's mom? Because he knows how blasted determined I can be and that is exactly what she needs. Somebody who isn't going to give up or give in to her. She needs to know that she is safe and that I am on her side. I cannot wait to see my little worn down baby girl blossom into a strong, happy, confident young lady.
I cannot even begin to fathom how long and hard this road is going to be. So, that's why I have chosen to come back to this blog. I need to be able to see the progress we've made on those hard days when I feel like a complete failure. I'm going to need reminders why I chose to do this. I mean I had it made. Both girls were in school and all I had to do was lead a bible study on Friday and keep the house picked up. I had my days to myself and it was AMAZING! I loved it! But, God had other plans. So here we go, on another journey.
Ashlyn also wanted to hs but I told her she had to finish kindergarten. I needed to get Taylor's routine established and get the bumps ironed out before I doubled my load. We did a few pretend homeschool days and during one of those days T began to throw her usual "I don't wanna do it" fit which means screaming and arguing. Ashlyn was covering her ears and told me there was no way she could listen to "that mess!" I told her that this is why I needed T at home first. If at the beginning of 1st grade if she wants to try to hs we will try it but not until 1st grade. She understood and agreed. Bless her little heart. She, too, is so smart.
